My letter to you

It is the longest of shots that you would ever find and see this. But this is my only bog URL that I ever mentioned to you. 

You still dominate my mind every day. You are still the only person I even dream of being with. You are literally the man of my dreams. I have done so many things wrong when it comes to us. I was just so emotionally damaged and already having problems with depression and anorexia and just everything that I let it all crash and burn around me. And I always tried to blame you. I could never express how sorry I am for that. You were my world and now i am numb knowing I may never get it back. I have no body to talk too anymore, I see darker days than I ever imagined. I let myself think you were using me and I rushed off into a relationship I don’t even slightly want that led to a forced marriage and a child (whom I do love dearly and she is the only thing keeping me alive now.) You stuck by my side when I thought some shitty guy was who I was supposed to be with. You have ridden it out through the worst of my life. I am so sorry I wasn’t open with you in the ways you want. I always put myself in relationships when the man made decisions and my opinion didn’t matter. Anyway, I know I have put you through more pain than anyone could imagine. We have both run each other through hoops and I want more than anything to just cut the crap and get it all out of the way. I want to know what is on your mind and tell you what is on mine. I want back to the days where we talked for hours and watched movies and went places and were happy. I haven’t been happy sine we stopped talking. I haven’t been happy since we ended things. I will always see you as my best friend. I told you things that no one else knows. If I could I would do it all again. I would start over if that is what it would take. I would do anything to have you in my life again. I re read all of our conversations to keep a smile on my face when possible. We haven’t spoken in over a year and it KILLS me. I want to know what your life is coming too. Where are you in life? Are you happy? Have you found a girl that isn’t insane and is willing to be more open with you? Did you make it through police academy? How are your dogs? Do you still have that weird Will Ferrell obsession? I just wish you would send me one little facebook message letting me know anything.

I will let you know about me. Obviously I am not okay. It hurts me to say it or even think about it, but I am currently married. His name is Ryan. He is no good for me. He is lazy, he barely works. He treats me like crap and expects me to financially support us with a job that barely pays. He is a hateful person. He hates that I believe in God and says that everyone who does is obviously stupid. Pretty much since I have had Emma, he hasn’t needed me because he has endless access to porn. He actually told me earlier that he would never get off if it weren’t for the porn in his ‘spank bank’ (TMI, I know. Oh well.) His family treats me like crap and only keeps me around because of Emma. He is no good for Emma and I and honestly, thanks to our little one night get togethers, I’m not even 100% positive she is his child. I’m pretty positive but there is still that slight hope that she got lucky and doesn’t have a shitty dad. Who forced himself on me numerous times. Another reason I though you were using me was because he was too. I thought it was all I was good for. On a brighter note, my family and I have repaired a lot of our problems and we actually get along. My dad isn’t so crappy anymore. The only friend I really have anymore is Lauren. Of course. She is my best friend. I spend most days thinking of how to get you back in my life. All I want is to either have you or live alone. I can’t be with anyone else, and look where it got me ‘trying’. I am still in love with you. Something about you, something about how we connected and what we have been through, just holds me here. I feel it in my bones. You are who I want in life. And I wish I was who you wanted. If I am, come running because I am just here waiting. You know it would be so easy to get my whereabouts. I will always be waiting for you and I will always be too nervous to send you another message. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to scare you away. I don’t want to ruin it anymore than I already have. 

I could never be more sorry. And I could never mess up more than I already have. It cost me the greatest guy I have ever met. Truly. I still believe God put us on this Earth for each other. Whether it be for relationship or friendship, I don’t know. But It makes me happy to know I still get that feeling and maybe there is still another chance for us to be something again.